heart grating emotions
10 Nov 2011 Leave a Comment
in Uncategorized Tags: abuse, coach, crime, football, Godly, good, heart, hurt, plays
I have strong emotions; powerful emotions that in some ways define who I am. I work hard to keep these in check. They are mine and I need something in my life to stay mine. Strong emotions that do not edify or encourage others, I harness to later become the passion that powers my writing. I’m not perfect, at times the emotions get the best of me.
But then there are times when the emotions are so strong that to try to reign them in would be unhealthy.
The news of a child being abused feels like my heart is being forced over a razor sharp grater; it is a screaming pain in my soul. The type of pain that makes me do everything possible to stop it. To learn that a well-known man only did the bare minimum to report the crime, diluting the value of the hurt, sickens me.
Failing to do his best, as Joe Paterno had coached hundreds of students to do, resulted in other boys being abused…other lives destroyed, scarred, marred. Hiding a wrongdoing only gives it a dark place to grow and evolve into something more hideous. By refusing to do everything possible to stop the abuse, Paterno sanctioned it.
I cannot comprehend what pressures it would take to make it possible to squash down into a secret place the horror of sexual abuse. How does one sleep with the secret hidden within? Does it cause the mattress to feel lumpy, the room to be overheated, the sourness of the secret to rise into the mouth? How long does it take for the secret to diminish to a more manageable size?
Once I described a man as a Godly man, my son who knew the man more thoroughly said, “Mom, he’s a good man but not a Godly man.” There’s a difference. Paterno was a winning coach but being a winning coach does not make him a good man.
My strong emotions arise to shout out protests to the arrogance, the audacity of a man who had a platform to scream out and did not. I wonder how the mother and father of the boys must feel knowing the legend, the superhero of Penn State, did not have the courage to take a stand. And how they must feel even more damaged that Paterno’s testimony conflicted with that of his assistant…. As if their hurt was not enough.
Do the boys turned men now relive the abuse as the whistle blows to start each game? Do they feel the threats made to keep them quiet being made over and over with each down played on the field? Abuse does that, it is replayed over and over in the heart of the victim. The touch, the smell, the coarseness of the act or acts comes back with the slightest hint of remembrance. It’s a hard secret to kill.
Strong emotions. Emotions that are rooted deep down in my soul. Emotions that bring out the victim inside of me… the same emotions that send flares into the sky when I meet a potential abuser. Emotions that make me shout for justice. Emotions that remind me that this is not about football, or coaching, or rankings; it’s about hurts that could have been stopped or prevented.
